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Shmoopin' the Bible…the 12 Minor Prophets.

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Hey, all. Cecil B. DeShmoop here, coming at you with the book of the Twelve Minor Prophets,

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and their thrilling quest to finally see an R-rated movie.

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…What? I read between the lines.

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Anyway. The book of the Twelve Minor Prophets is actually just twelve short books, condensed

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into one.

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It's kind of like the Twelve Days of Christmas, if all the gifts were like…

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five golden plagues, four natural disasters,

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three acts of destruction, two rounds of famine…

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…and a partridge in a pear tree.

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Because seriously, who would want that...

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So these prophets were kind of like God’s B-team. They gave a bunch of warnings about

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Assyria, and they let the people know how badly they were screwing up.

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Sounds like they were super fun guys to hang out with.

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Since there are twelve of them, and not all of them have super cool stories like being

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eaten by a whale, I’m just going to hit you with a few highlights...

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Take Hosea, for example. He was ordered by God to marry a prostitute.

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Sure, it sounds a little fishy––

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…too soon for fish puns, I know. Sue me, I'm excited for the whale tale…

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––but when God wants you to marry a prostitute, you marry a prostitute.

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So Hosea, and his new wife, Gomer…

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Yeah, I kid you not, her name was Gomer.

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What kind of a mother looks at her newborn and goes, "Yup, this kid is definitely a Gomer"?

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Anyway.

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Hosea and Good Ol' Gomer have three kids together, and their names translate to, “No Mercy,”

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“Not My People,” and “God Will Sow.”

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…..Their mother was named Gomer, what did you expect?

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But we can tell by those charming names that God is a little peeved with Israel.

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We then move through a succession of prophets who are basically letting everyone know just

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how ticked off God is, while locusts, invaders, and a partridge in a pear tree drive home

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the point.

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And after all the lords are done leaping and pipers have finished piping, we eventually

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arrive at the most famous of all the Minor Prophets—Jonah.

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And boy, oh boy, is it a whale of a tale.

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…That was obvious, I know. I'm dolphinitely scaling back on the fish puns. No, sea-riously,

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I've got some good ones. It's krill-ing me to not include them.

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…Guess that cod've been better.

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….One more, for the halibut!

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Okay! So! Back to the thing they pay me to talk about…

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God instructs Jonah to go to Ninevah and preach against their wickedness, but Jonah

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is like, “Dude, no, I told you I had plans that weekend, Travelocity doesn't let me cancel,

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the gnome is kind of a jerk…” and he hops on a ship going the other way.

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God is like, "This is why you book through the hotel, Jonah. Never trust the gnome…"

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and sends a storm to sink the ship.

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The sailors draw lots to see who is to blame for the storm, as one logically does when

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it storms, and Jonah is chosen.

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Jonah, ever the dramatic, is like, "throw me overboard, men. Priceline Negotiator never

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would've let this happen," but the sailors are like, "What? That's actually crazy, dude,

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let's just try and ride out the storm first. Then we'll see about tossing you over."

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So they give it a good try, but pretty soon they're like, "Yeah, the dramatic Travelocity

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dude is right, we gotta lose him," so they toss Jonah into the sea.

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And as usual, God is watching this entire spectacle go down, because The Bachelor is

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on hiatus, so he's got some free time.

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So God's pretty entertained, but he decides the whole thing needs a little more excitement,

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so he sends a giant fish to swallow Jonah.

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Anyway, Jonah stays in the fish’s belly for three days and nights before he’s puked

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back up on dry land.

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He leaves a pretty negative Yelp review of the place the second he has wifi, though.

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So Jonah takes a three-hour shower, then heads to Ninevah to preach to the people.

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And guess what? They actually listen to him.

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That doesn’t happen all too often, and Jonah's still having some whale-related PTSD, so he

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runs away to live in a hut.

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Which after the whale is practically Ninevah's Ritz Carlton.

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Anyway, God has a nice leafy plant grow over the hut, but then is like, "Naw, this story

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just got too happy," so he sends a worm to kill it, and a strong wind to blow it over.

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Jonah's like, "Seriously? The whale wasn't enough?" And God's like, "Sweeps are coming

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up. We need the ratings, Jonah."

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Reading between the lines, people. The rest of the books follow the same pattern

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of God threatening to unleash some holy wrath on the Israelites, and the Israelites being

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like, “….Meh." in response.

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The Twelve Minor Prophets ends with Malachi , and a promise that the prophet

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Elijah will come and turn the people’s hearts, so that God won't have to destroy them.

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Which is great…one less thing on God's calendar.

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This book also marks the end of the Old Testament, which means the next time we meet, we'll be

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in the New Testament.

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And you can bait you'll be herring some finntastic stories.

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Sorry. You don’t know how long I've been waiting to break out my fish puns.

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And hey, if you think of a good one, let minnow….

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Until next time, I'm Cecil B. DeShmoop.

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