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No shmoop in the bible revelation Hey all welcome to

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the very last edition of shmoop in the bible otherwise

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known as how i've been paying my health insurance for

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the past few months remind me to schedule a colonoscopy

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after this Anyway as sad as my prostate health is

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that this is coming to an end at least we're

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going out on a high note which incidentally is what

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most of my prostate exam sounds like Anyway sorry Ok

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Everyone ready Here we go Revelation revelation was penned by

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a guy named john He was living in exile and

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hey got to pass the time somehow right Presumably he

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left his xbox at home Well John wrote revelation for

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the 7 churches of asia And yeah a lot of

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the imagery is wild and crazy but there's also a

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lot of criticism directed at the roman empire lurking deep

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within that crazy Hey there was no freedom of speech

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back then You know dude had to get creative So

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the book opens with messages for the seven different churches

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of asia which is a nice personal touch But things

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escalate quickly from there John starts describing the visions He's

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Been shown and they ain't pretty They start with him

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entering heaven and seeing god jesus and all manner of

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heavenly creatures Will god is sitting on a throne with

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seven tortures around it and a sea of crystal in

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front that sounds cozy Anyway God just happens to be

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holding a scroll with seven seals on it And guess

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who's about to open those seals Oh yeah if you

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guess jesus in the form of a seven porn seven

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i'd lam well then you've either read revelation or you

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have some real issues like well just like but yes

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jesus dying in disguise worthy of a scariest costume Like

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seriously do you need counseling Award begins opening the seals

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on the scroll and it's not great news I mean

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we're expecting did you see what he was wearing Well

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this wasn't going to be an invite to a tea

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party though The first four seals release the four horsemen

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of the apocalypse a pestilence famine war and gary Just

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kidding It would be cute if your name gary though

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but no death he's named death god doesn't really do

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subtle Well the fifth seal releases the vengeful souls of

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the christian martyrs at this point you'd think someone would

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be like hey let's stop doing this This is getting

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intense And honestly this land costume is freaking me out

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Like why Why this put you have just been a

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cool pirate or something but jesus couldn't be a cool

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pirate and thus six seal is open Well this one

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brings with it a few nifty tricks You know like

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a huge earthquake the sun turning black the moon turning

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to blood and the stars falling out of this guy

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So you know nothing Greatest day Well at this point

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no one wants to see what's behind door number seven

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But come on This is the last book no cliff

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hangers to be found here Oh and there's actually a

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little break while angels Mark 144000 elect who aren't going

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to be annihilated Oh hey it's Actually a pretty good

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day for them I mean not like getting a free

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drink on your birthday from starbucks Good But you know

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it's good So not pirate jesus opens the seventh seal

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and for a little bit and nothing happens But come

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on This is the bible If we wanted a book

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where nothing happened We'd be reading little women Sorry And

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right on cue seven angels with trumpets stand in front

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of god And each time one of them blows their

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trumpet and an angel gets its wings just getting this

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is the bible If we wanted a book about overly

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saccharine platitudes and beautiful life lessons well we'd be reading

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little women Okay maybe little women makes me cry Big

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deal Anyway each trumpet blast signifies something terrible happening on

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earth Well these terrible happenings lead to the earth being

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practically uninhabitable We're talking mountains falling in the ocean Reins

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of fire and blood Gentle quiet sister's dying far too

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young leaving a broken hearted family behind it Well you

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know your standard apocalypse stuff Well then comes the sixth

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trumpet blast and four angels of death kill a third

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of the remaining humans because you know why not the

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board Well next John tells us that 200 million horses

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storm the earth And if you thought to yourself i

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bet those forces have the heads of lions and the

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tales of scorpions Well then again you'd be the red

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revelation Or this is truly a cry for help though

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The horse lines scorpion combos official celebrity couple name lie

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or sip ian's Well they kill another third of the

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people left on earth because you know why not onboard

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And if you thought to yourself well things can't possibly

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get any worse than while you haven't been reading the

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bible in a classic biblical twist Things get worse the

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next months to run the scene is a seven headed

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dragon So the good news is that when this dragon

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tries to attack heaven michael the archangel and the other

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angel warriors throw him out the bad news he lands

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on earth Of course he does And he decides to

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attack the followers of jesus Oh and just in case

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the dragon wasn't enough of a beast rises from the

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seal A seven headed beast You know what book doesn't

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have Seven headed beast No Oh and it's important to

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note that this sea beast is probably representative of the

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roman empire yet real settle there johnny boy And just

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in case you were like two beasts What is this

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a disney movie Yet another beast comes out of the

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earth I mean honestly at this point it's not even

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scary like come on you're beating a dead horseman of

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the apocalypse here Oh but this beast has a number

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And it's six six six Who Spooky devil's number Okay

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so let's hit pause on the base Is anyone still

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alive on earth Yeah well we still got some stragglers

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here while the son of man comes down and reaps

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the faithful from earth with a sickle and bad people

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How they get thrown in a wine Yeah That's kind

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of originality I'm looking for a wine press And finally

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we get to see some righteous butt kicking Well jesus

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shows up riding a horse with a sword coming out

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of its mouth grows and he and the armies of

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heaven goa you know ham on the beasts and rolled

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the dragon into a bottomless pit for a thousand years

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But when he gets out he's going to try to

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raise an army again but god's gonna throw him in

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the lake of fire along with anyone else on his

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naughty list As for the believers well they'll get to

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live in new jerusalem a super sweet spot that god

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will create on earth in the end And angel assures

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john that everything he's seen is true and not just

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some trippy fever dream and he should share it with

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the world through which the world presumably is like Cool

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story bro We're going to stick to a little women

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and that's that the end of the bible i have

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a few words I'd like to share with you to

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commemorate the end of our journey and make each day

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both useful and pleasant and prove that you understand the

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worth of time by employing it well and youth will

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bring few regrets and life will become a beautiful success

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I'll tell you whatever that's from little women leave me

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alone until next time I'm seasoned meat dish mop and

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thanks for shmoop in the bible with me it's been 00:06:50.225 --> [endTime] fun

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