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Shmoopin' the Bible….the Book of Ruth.

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Cecil B. DeShmoop, coming at you with a timeless

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tale of love, land acquisition, and…barley...

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….Alright, so the Bible wasn't penned by Nicholas Sparks, whatever…

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The book starts out with a family living in Bethlehem.

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Elimelech , his wife Naomi, and their two sons, Mahlon and Chilion

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are forced to move to Moab after a famine hits Bethlehem.

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While in Moab, the two sons find wives: Ruth and Orpah.

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You might think this is where the “love” portion of the story begins, but

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you would be so wrong.

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Elimelech and his two sons actually die pretty quickly.

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Seriously. This isn't Nicholas Sparks.

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Anyway. Naomi decides to head back to Bethlehem. She figures she's been gone for ten years,

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chances are the famine is over and there's at least a Taco Bell open, or something…

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She tells her daughters-in-law to stay in Moab and find new husbands.

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Orpah's okay with that idea, but Ruth says,

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"Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you.

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For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my

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people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried.

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May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you."

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Naomi's like, "Huh! Not gonna lie, that was intense and a little weird!"

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"Yeah, I'm actually just coming along for a Crunchwrap Supreme."

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So Ruth tags along in what is a completely accurate portrayal of a typical mother and

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daughter-in-law relationship….

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And luckily for Ruth and Naomi, the famine is over in Bethlehem, the Taco Bell is open

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for business, and the barley harvest is just about to begin.

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Since Ruth and Naomi are poor, they're allowed to glean grain from the leftover barley in

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the fields, which basically means they got to take whatever was left after the real harvest.

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So Ruth is out, gleaning away, when the owner of the field, Boaz , happens along.

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Boaz sees Ruth and is like, "she's kinda pretty," and he starts hooking her up with all kinds

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of gleaning privileges.

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He tells her she's welcome in his field, she can drink from the same water as the workers,

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she’s allowed to take non-charity grain, and he'll even share his mild sauce for her burritos.

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When Ruth comes back and tells Naomi about the guy who is totally crushing on her, Naomi's

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like, "Hang on, Boaz? That dude is totally related to my dead husband!

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That means he's obligated to marry you and has to provide for us!"

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Ah, romance. You taking notes, Nicholas Sparks?

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Ruth is like, "Okay, awesome, how do I go about marrying this guy?"

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And Naomi's like, "You wanna know how to get any man you want? This is flawless. You ready

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for this gem? Here we go……Creep into his house and lie down by his feet when he's sleeping.

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….Boom. Nailed it."

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And Ruth is like, "What?! No! That sounds like the opposite of what I want to do!"

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But Naomi's pretty set on the idea, so Ruth's like "Ugh, fine…" and creeps into his house

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and lies down by his feet.

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Presumably, Boaz woke up and was like, "I knew sharing my mild sauce would work…"

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and is pretty excited to marry her.

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In a shocking soap-worthy turn of events, it seems that there is actually

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another guy in town who has even closer ties to Ruth's in-laws than Boaz,

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and he has fire sauce. Game changer.

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Boaz decides to check this guy out, and when he comes back, he's like "Good news!

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This guy just wants to buy some of Naomi's land, so if you give him that,

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he'll renounce his claim on Ruth!"

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So Naomi gives up the land and Boaz and Ruth finally get married.

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Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure Taco Bell catered their reception.

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Boaz and Ruth have a son named Obed, possibly short for Tacobed, who has a son named Jesse.

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As in Jesse, the father of David. As in King David. So you can see why this book is more

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than just a Taco Bell-heavy love story.

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And yeah, that's basically all you need to know about the Book of Ruth!

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So just remember: the Book of Ruth? All about Taco Bell and creepy marriage proposals….

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I may be paraphrasing.

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But seriously, Sparks. This is gold.

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