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Shmoopin' the Bible….the Book of John.

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Cecil B. DeShmoop here, bringing you the Gospel [Cecil holding a pot]

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of John, because after paying a couple grand for a religious studies degree, I can't afford

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to bring you anything else!

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So if you've been following along, you're probably thinking, “Seriously? A fourth [Book opens]

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gospel? What, are they gonna split this into five movies?"

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To which I say, I really enjoyed the eighth Harry Potter movie, or, as it's more commonly

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known, Harry Potter and the Quest to Make as Much Money as Humanly Possible.

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But! There actually is a reason we have John’s gospel. It's a little different than the others…and [John's gospel appears on a field]

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no, not like "sucks rocks on the playground" kind of different. [Gospel's kicking rocks]

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In John, Jesus doesn’t use parables to teach, opting instead to use "Hooked on Phonics".

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He also doesn’t perform as many miracles, and there isn’t any mention of casting out

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demons.

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So…kind of like a filler episode of Supernatural. …Not that I watch that…or anything….ahem. [Supernatural fan appears]

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Back to John.

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Jesus doesn’t talk about the “Kingdom of God” as much. Instead, he talks about

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himself a lot more. Which is valid. He did some cool things. [Jesus and God on a beach]

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All I did yesterday was eat a bunch of cheese in my sweatpants. Which is also cool…in [Man eating cheese on the sofa]

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its own way…

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There are also a number of famous stories that only appear in John, but I won’t spoil

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the surprise right now, just like––despite what my wife thinks––I won't spoil my

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daughter's surprise sixteenth birthdaaaaa…..uh. Whoops. [Daughter runs away crying]

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…Anyhoo. So the gospel of John begins with a guy named John the Baptist baptizing people

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in the Jordan river. Appropriate name, right? Good thing he wasn't John the Cannibalist.

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This would be a very different story. [John appears waving his arms]

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So John makes it very clear that he isn’t the light from God. He's just some dude letting

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everyone know that the actual light, a.k.a. Jesus, is coming.

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And what do you know? Jesus shows up and John is like, “Hey, there he is.” [Jesus appear on stage]

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And before you're like, "that doesn't seem super convincing," God actually told John

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that Jesus was the Son of God. And he doesn't say that lightly...you wouldn't believe how

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many times God's been dragged onto Maury. So you know it’s legit. [God appears on the Maury Show]

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So Jesus gathers some disciples, and they all head to Cana for a wedding. It’s an

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open bar, and unfortunately, they’ve run out of wine. [Man tips over wine jug]

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Jesus’ mother Mary has been listening to all the other mom's brag about their kids,

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and she's like, "you think Billy getting an A in math is cool? Check this out," and shakes

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her glass at Jesus. [Mary shakes glass at Jesus]

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Jesus is like, "seriously? Isn't there a blind guy who needs healing…?" And Mary is like,

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"Jesus, don't embarrass me in front of my friends, just do the thing…"

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So Jesus does his thing and turns six giant jars of water into high quality wine. Presumably, [Jesus transforms water into wine]

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Billy's mom never bragged again. This is one of those miracles that only appears

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in John, and it kicks off Jesus’ life of teaching, miracle working, and getting the

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Jewish authorities all riled up.

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The high priests and authorities on Jewish law really don’t like Jesus, mostly because

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he once picked them last for his kickball team, but also because he’s constantly schooling [Jesus picking high priests for kickball team]

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them on scripture and exposing them as hypocrites. More on that later.

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In the meantime, here's another famous story that only appears in John. [Cecil stood by a fireplace]

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Jesus is in the temple one day, when a woman is brought in. She's been caught committing

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adultery. The punishment? Being stoned to death. [People throwing stones at a woman]

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Yeah, pretty harsh…but Jewish law was a little tougher on the women.

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All the guy had to do was say, "uh…sorry…?" and everyone was like, "he's repented, he's

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full of regret, he is forgiven! Quick, somebody throw him a parade!"

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Anyway, the crowd wants to stone this woman, because they were bored and HBO was expensive, [Crowd shouting to stone the woman]

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but then, Jesus drops this bombshell:

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“Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her."

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The crowd is like, "this would've never have happened on Game of Thrones," but they drop

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their rocks and disperse, and Jesus tells the woman to go on her way and to not sin

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anymore.

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So Jesus kept going about, doing his thing, when one day, he gets word that his pal Lazarus [Jesus playing guitar]

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is sick. Jesus jumps into action and heads for his home…a full two days after getting

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the message.

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…What? He had to catch up on Game of Thrones. [Jesus watching Game of Thrones]

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And wouldn't you know it, that's just enough time for Lazarus to pass away.

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Cue the sad music. Lazarus has been dead for four days when Jesus [Lazarus dies]

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arrives. When he gets there, he's like, “open up that tomb, for Lazarus is alive.”

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Everyone was probably like, "uh…no thanks, man, we've seen The Walking Dead, we know

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how that ends…"

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And Jesus is like, "What? No, just trust me on this. If I'm wrong, you can use my HBO

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subscription, okay?" and everyone is like, "well, why didn't you lead with that? Open

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up that tomb!"

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And wouldn't you know it, Lazarus walks out, alive and well. [Lazarus appears from the tomb]

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For the most part, everyone is pretty happy and amazed and what have you, but there was

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definitely some disappointment…'cause…c'mon, HBO is $15 a month.

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Anyway…understandably, Jesus’ popularity is skyrocketing, and the high priests are

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like, "we gotta kill this guy before he gets anymore popular…" [High priests plotting to kill Jesus]

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So…probably not a great time to be prom king and queen…

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So Jesus heads to Jerusalem for Passover, and he’s welcomed into the city by people [Jesus riding donkey]

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waving palm fronds.

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Hopefully someone was like, "didn't the guy who committed adultery get a parade?"

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…Okay, fine, the parade part might have been made up. Grain of salt.

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Anyway, Jesus knows the palm fronds are going to be the highlight of his trip.

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…hopefully he made a note of that in his Yelp review. [Jesus trip to Bethlehem Yelp review appears]

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But why does Jesus know that? Because he also knows that one of his twelve disciples is

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about to betray him.

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Yup, I'm talking about Judas.

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At dinner, Jesus is like, "et tu, Brute?" and Judas is like, "seriously? My name is [Judas stands up at dinner table]

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Judas!" and then storms off to do the actual betraying.

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Once Judas has betrayed Jesus to the Jewish authorities, they arrest him.

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Jesus is like, "one second, let me just add this to my Yelp review…….…okay, cool, [Authorities arresting Jesus and Jesus pulls out phone]

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let's go." But before he goes, he tells all his disciples, "guys, be chill, don't get

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angry, and don't fight anyone, okay?"

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And they're all like, "yup, got it, don't fight anyone," and Peter is like, "yup, got

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it, cut off this soldier's ear." [Peter holding soldiers ear]

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Jesus is like, "are you kidding me? Dude, what'd I just say?"

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And Peter turns to the soldier and is like, "I don't know, did you hear what he just said?"

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and Jesus is like, "No. I mean…decent joke, but no fighting!"

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So he's taken to the Roman governor of Judea, Pontius Pilate..

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He doesn’t really think Jesus is guilty of anything, but the religious authorities [Pontius Pilate appears]

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are like, "this guy is dangerous…like…what's next, prom king??" and they demand his crucifixion.

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Pilate basically shrugs and says fine. Maybe he was trying to catch up on Game of Thrones [Pontius watching Game of Thrones]

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and that's why he made such a bad call. Let's believe that.

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Jesus is crucified and buried in a new tomb. Three days later, Mary Magdalene heads to [Stone covers tomb entrance]

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the tomb and finds it empty. She spreads the word, and let’s everyone

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know that Jesus is back. [Mary puts up Jesus found poster]

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Everyone is like, "y'all gotta stop watching The Walking Dead."

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Anyway, the apostles have locked themselves in a room, because they’re understandably

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frightened of what might happen to them, and because Jesus said it was chill for them to [Apostles locked in a room]

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use his HBO account.

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But then, Jesus shows up and breathes the power of the Holy Spirit on them. Let's hope [Spirit comes out of Jesus' mouth]

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he used some mouthwash first…I get some pretty gnarly morning breath. I hate to think

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what "three days in a tomb" breath would smell like.

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The only apostle who isn't around when Jesus stops by is Thomas. He doesn’t believe that

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Jesus is back, and Jesus has to show himself a second time. [Thomas sat by tree and Jesus wearing clown mask jumps out]

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Either that, or Thomas just ponied up and bought his own HBO account.

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And that brings us to the end of John.

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Now if you'd excuse me, I've got a few episodes of Game of Thrones to catch up on. [Cecil sits on throne]

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…Anyone want to lend me their HBO account?

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