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Medusa, a la Shmoop.

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Hello, mortals. Medusa here.

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Wait, don't hit "stop." I swear I won't turn you into stone.

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Yes, it's true that people used to petrify when they looked into my eyes, but it doesn't

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work through a screen. I'm dead anyway, so my power no longer works on the living.

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Isn't that right, Larry?

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OK, that was an accident.

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Anyway, I know some of you have seen certain films recently

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that have shown me as some kind of awful monster.

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Today, I'm here to set the record straight.

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I may be known as a monster who attacks innocent victims,

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but the truth is that I'm the innocent victim who's been attacked.

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It all started when I made the very bad mistake of getting involved

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with Poseidon, god of the sea.

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Believe it or not, I used to be a beautiful girl,

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which, I guess, is what caught Poseidon's eye.

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Next thing I know, he's seducing me in the temple of Athena.

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"It's fine," he said.

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"Athena's my sister, she told me it was cool to bring chicks here" he tells me.

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What was I supposed to do? He was a god. I couldn't really say no.

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Turns out, Poseidon was totally full of seaweed.

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Athena showed up, and she was not cool with what we did in her temple.

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Instead of standing up for me, Poseidon jetted and left me to take all the blame.

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To punish me, Athena gave me an extreme makeover--and not the positive kind.

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Now, tell me how is it that I'm the awful monster? Aren't these gods the awful ones?

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Nobody deserves a head full of snakes. Nobody.

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Ouch!

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Of course, nobody wanted to hang out with me after that, since they... like...

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turned to stone just by looking at me.

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And dating? Forget about it.

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Before I know it, I'm living in a slimy sea cave away from civilization.

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But it gets even worse.

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I'm just sitting in my cave one day, minding my own depressing business, when out of nowhere

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this handsome young man flies in wearing winged sandals.

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At first I think, "Oh, great! A hero has come to save me from this awful fate."

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I decided to pretend I was asleep, so that

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maybe he'd kiss me and transform me into the beauty I once was.

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Let me tell you ladies. That whole thing about a hero coming to save you is a myth.

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Instead of rescuing me, Perseus was there to chop off my head and take it as a prize.

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He looked at me through the reflection in his shield, whipped out his sword, and before

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I could blink, Hermes was escorting my soul to the Underworld.

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To add insult to injury I even found out later that Hermes helped

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Perseus by lending him the flying sandals.

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To add even more insult to even more injury,

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I found out that Athena had helped Perseus too.

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outright conspiracy. Yes, a conspiracy. What else would you call it?

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I even found out later that Perseus went around using my head as a weapon afterward, and that

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Athena eventually ended up wearing it as a garment.

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Oh, the indignity.

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Now, I'm not looking for pity.

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I'm not the only one whose life has been cruelly destroyed

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by the gods of their favorite mortals.

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I just want the truth to be out there.

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I just want to tear down the walls of injustice!

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And...I just want you to buy my memoir for $9.95!

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