Enter Doctor Caius and Rugby. DOCTOR CAIUS
Jack Rugby. RUGBY
Sir? DOCTOR CAIUS Vat is the clock, Jack? RUGBY
’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised
to meet. 5 DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, he has save his soul dat he is no
come. He has pray his Pible well dat he is no come.
By gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already if he be
come. RUGBY
He is wise, sir. He knew your Worship would 10
kill him if he came. DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill
kill him. Take your rapier, Jack. I vill tell you how I
vill kill him. RUGBY
Alas, sir, I cannot fence. 15 DOCTOR CAIUS
Villainy, take your rapier. RUGBY
Forbear. Here’s company. Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, and Host. HOST
God bless thee, bully doctor! SHALLOW
God save you, Master Doctor Caius! PAGE
Now, good Master Doctor! 20 SLENDER
Give you good morrow, sir. DOCTOR CAIUS
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come
for? HOST
To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse;
to see thee here, to see thee there; to see 25
thy pass, thy puncto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy
distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian?
Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, bully? What says
my Aesculapius, my Galien, my heart of elder, ha?
Is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead? 30 DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, he is de coward jack-priest of de
vorld. He is not show his face. HOST Thou art a Castalion King Urinal Hector of
Greece, my boy! DOCTOR CAIUS
I pray you, bear witness that me have 35
stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is
no come. SHALLOW
He is the wiser man, Master Doctor. He is a
curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies. If you
should fight, you go against the hair of your professions.— 40
Is it not true, Master Page? PAGE
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great
fighter, though now a man of peace. SHALLOW
Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old
and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger 45
itches to make one. Though we are justices and
doctors and churchmen, Master Page, we have
some salt of our youth in us. We are the sons of
women, Master Page. PAGE
’Tis true, Master Shallow. 50 SHALLOW
It will be found so, Master Page.—Master
Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am
sworn of the peace. You have showed yourself a
wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself
a wise and patient churchman. You must go with 55
me, Master Doctor. HOST Pardon, guest Justice. To Caius. A word,
Monsieur Mockwater. DOCTOR CAIUS
“Mockvater”? Vat is dat? HOST
“Mockwater,” in our English tongue, is “valor,” 60
bully. DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, then I have as much mockvater
as de Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! By gar,
me vill cut his ears. HOST
He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully. 65 DOCTOR CAIUS
“Clapper-de-claw”? Vat is dat? HOST
That is, he will make thee amends. DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw
me, for, by gar, me vill have it. HOST
And I will provoke him to ’t, or let him wag. 70 DOCTOR CAIUS
Me tank you for dat. | Remember that Caius challenged Sir Hugh to a duel? Well, they're getting ready to rumble in a field in Windsor Park. Caius is all dramatic. He slashes his sword around and declares that Sir Hugh is lucky he's a no-show—otherwise, the clergyman would be dog meat by now. Here comes someone—but it's not Sir Hugh. It's the Host of the Garter Inn, with Master Page, Slender, and Shallow, all there to see the big fight. The Host is all "Gee, Caius, where's Evans? Did you kill him already?" Caius waves around his sword and talks more trash about Sir Hugh in his super thick and super hilarious (if you're a 16th century Englishman) French accent. Shallow and Page point out that Doctor Caius is supposed to heal people, not kill them, but who asked them? The Host proceeds to insult Caius by using a bunch of English slang that the French doctor doesn't understand. At one point, he calls him "Monsieur Mockwater" (translation: a guy who's sterile and also a coward). Of course, the Host tells Caius it's English slang for "brave," and Caius declares that he's got just as much "mockwater" as an Englishman. |
HOST
And moreover, bully— He draws Shallow, Page,
and Slender aside. But first, Master guest, and
Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you
through the town to Frogmore. 75 PAGE Sir Hugh is there, is he? HOST
He is there. See what humor he is in; and I will
bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do
well? SHALLOW We will do it. 80 PAGE, SHALLOW, AND SLENDER
Adieu, good Master
Doctor. Page, Shallow, and Slender exit. DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, me vill kill de priest, for he speak
for a jackanape to Anne Page. HOST
Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold 85
water on thy choler. Go about the fields with me
through Frogmore. I will bring thee where Mistress
Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting, and
thou shalt woo her. Cried game! Said I well? DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, me dank you vor dat. By gar, I 90
love you, and I shall procure-a you de good guest:
de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my
patients. HOST For the which I will be thy adversary toward
Anne Page. Said I well? 95 DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, ’tis good. Vell said. HOST
Let us wag, then. DOCTOR CAIUS
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby. They exit. | The Host is having a great time making fun of Caius, but he eventually stops laughing long enough to whisper to his friends that they should go over to Frogmore fields where Sir Hugh is waiting. He promises to bring Caius there later so they can have some more fun. Page, Shallow, and Slender take off for Frogmore. The Host tells Caius that Anne Page is having dinner with friends at a farmhouse on the other side of Frogmore fields and that he'll lead the way for Caius to see her. Caius is totally psyched to have an opportunity to put the moves on her. |