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Heracles, a la Shmoop.

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Hi, folks. You are blessed today to be in the presence of the one and only Heracles.

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That's Hercules to my Roman friends and...

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the few people who saw that Disney movie.

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Now, over the years many have accused me of being conceited.

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I'm ridiculously full of myself.

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I had a hard life, y'all, and I earned every ounce of fame

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with my amazingly awesome...um...awesomeness.

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Seriously, just check me out.

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My life was tough even before I was born.

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See, Hera was jealous of my mom, Alcmene <<alc-MEAN-ee>> when she was pregnant with me,

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since my dad, Zeus, was...you know...Hera's husband.

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To get back at my Mom, Hera made it super hard for her to give birth.

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When I finally did make it into the great wide world, Hera put snakes in my cradle.

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Did I whine about it like a little baby though?

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Hades, no!

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I strangled the heck out of those little things. Aw...baby's first rattler...

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Hera never let my life get any easier, either. Seriously, that lady is dark.

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When I got older, she was so jealous of my growing fame

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that she made me go nuts and kill my own children.

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Now, I could've pointed fingers, but instead

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I manned up and took the blame.

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I even embarked on my famous 12 Labors to atone for my crime.

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Hera was totally behind all the crazy stuff I had to do for the Labors, which she assigned

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to me through my wimpy, shill of a cousin, King Eurystheus. <<yur-ISS-thee-iss>>

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These tasks were cray-cray.

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There were plenty of beasts to slay or capture: a lion, a hydra, a boar, a stag, a bull,

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an entire herd of sacred cattle, a herd of ill-tempered horses, some seriously evil birds,

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and worst of all... Cerberus <<SIR-burr-iss>>, the hellhound.

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There was also just some really gross stuff, like mucking out the Augean <<aw-GEE-inn>> stables.

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So, long story short, even though Hera was trying to bring me down,

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I completed all my labors and

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I did a stint with the Argonauts on Jason's Quest for the Golden Fleece.

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I sacked Troy, without having to pull that wussy wooden horse trick.

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And too many other awesome things to even mention.

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Eventually, though, like every great hero, I had to fall.

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And what brought me down, folks? Some hideous, terrible monster? Some impossible task?

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Nope. Turns out the only thing that could bring down this guy... was his own wife.

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Her name was Deianira <<die-uh-NEAR-uh>> which means something like "man destroyer."

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Guess, I should've seen that one coming.

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True, I was about to dump her for a pretty young thing named Iole <<i-OH-lee>>,

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but that's what she gets for getting old.

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Am I right, fellas? Hello? Is this thing on?

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To try and keep this gorgeous hunk of a man in her life, she gave me a robe covered in

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a magic potion that was supposed to make me fall in love with her all over again.

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What she didn't realize, however,

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was that the potion came from a Centaur I killed--to save her, by the way.

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I'd killed him with my Hydra-poisoned arrows, and he made the potion with his tainted blood.

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Let me tell ya, that stuff was toxic.

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So, instead of making me fall madly in love with Deianira all over again, it made my flesh

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melt off my body.

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Bad scene.

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So, to end my pain, I set myself on fire.

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Might as well go out in a blaze of glory, right?

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The flames burnt my mortal body away, and my immortal soul

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ascended to Olympus, where I became a full-fledged god.

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I was a little worried about seeing Hera up here,

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but she chilled out and even let me marry her daughter,

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Hebe <<HEE-bee>>, the goddess of youth.

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Woo hoo! I never have to worry about her getting too old! What a relief.

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So, there you have it, folks: my awesome life. Am I conceited? Oh, most definitely.

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But the way I see it, somebody has to be perfect.

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Otherwise, what will the rest of you people have to aspire to?

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