How To Steal A Vineyard
- A while later, there's a guy named Naboth. He has a really nice vineyard in Jezreel right next door to Ahab's palace.
- Ahab really wants to buy it from Naboth, but Naboth refuses, saying the Lord commanded him not to sell his property to Ahab.
- So Ahab's bummed, and he sort of throws a tantrum, flopping facedown on his bed and refusing to eat.
- Jezebel, like a good wife, knows how to cheer him up. She'll just kill Naboth.
- She falsely accuses him of blasphemy and arranges for witnesses to testify against him. Next thing ya know the people carry Naboth outside the city and stone him to death. Slow clap for Jezebel.
- Ahab obtains ownership of the vineyard, and now everybody's happy. Everybody except for God, that is.
- He sends Elijah to tell Ahab as he's relaxing in his new vineyard that dogs will lick up Ahab's blood in the same place they licked up Naboth's.
- Ahab's like, "Elijah, my old enemy, how'd you find me?"
- Elijah tells him, "You can't hide from the Lord, man. He's going to bring evil to your life and take away your posterity, just like he did to Jeroboam and Baasha, because you've sinned and made Israel sin. There hasn't been anyone as wicked as you've been. Jezebel tempted you to worship idols, and now you're gonna be sorry. Oh—and by the way—dogs are also going to eat your wife by the wall of the city."
- This scares Ahab so badly that he actually straightens up a bit. He lives in mourning and fasting, and humbles himself before God.
- Because of this, God decides that he won't destroy his household until after he's dead. God's really into the posthumous family destruction in 1st Kings.