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Verner von Numberstein, the

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world-famous scientist and [Numberstein stood on stage]

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mathematician, has begun teaching

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Heinrich, his one-year-old son, his ABCs

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and one-two-threes. However, because the

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Verner feels that nothing should be easy, [Verner teaching Heinrich in a classroom]

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he's making Heinrich learn to count

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using subatomic particles. Years from now,

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Heinrich will have the option of filing [Heinrich working]

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a parental abuse lawsuit, but for now, he's

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a bit stuck. Well, first Verner introduces

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Heinrich to the atomic number. That's the

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number that appears right next to every [Atomic number highlighted]

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element of the periodic table of

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elements. This number, Verner explains,

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represents the number of protons in a

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given element. A helium atom, for example,

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has two protons inside its nucleus, so it [Helium atom with 2 protons inside]

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has an atomic number of two. Magnesium

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has 12 protons, so it has an atomic

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number of 12. Foolium has 143 protons...

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Okay, there's no such elements to foolium;

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Verner's just trying to keep Heinrich on [Heinrich stands up and falls down]

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the toes, which is tough, since the kid

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isn't even walking yet. Verner then

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points out the mass number. Well, the mass

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number is the number of protons (i.e. the

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atomic number plus the number of

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neutrons), so in a helium atom that has

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two neutrons, the mass number is four

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(two protons plus two neutrons). In a magnesium [Magnesium protons and neutrons]

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atom that has 14 neutrons, the mass

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number 26 (12 protons plus 14 neutrons),

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and in a foolium atom that has 152

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neutrons... Ah there we go, Heinrich's catching

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on. Foolium once, shame on you... However

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that goes, you know the rest of it.

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Verner goes on to tell Heinrich about [Verner discussing isotopes with Heinrich]

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isotopes, which are atoms that have the

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same atomic number but different mass

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numbers. So for example, two boron atoms

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would have 10 protons, but if one has 10

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neutrons and another has 11, then they're

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isotopes, which by the way is the reason

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the atomic mass on the periodic table is

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always a wonky number--because it's the

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average mass of all the different [Definition of atomic mass]

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isotopes of that element. Got it? Finally,

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Verner gives Heinrich a little pop quiz.

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He tells Heinrich that a certain element [Verner giving Heinrich a piece of paper]

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has six protons and a mass number

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19. He wants to know what this

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element is, its atomic number, and how

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many neutrons it has. The answer, in case

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you're wondering, is that the element is

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carbon, because carbon always has six [Carbon highlighted on a periodic table]

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protons and since the number of protons

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always equals the atomic number, the

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atomic number is also six. And since the

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mass number is the sum of the protons

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and neutrons, then there must be 19-6 (or

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thirteen) neutrons. Well, as for for Heinrich's

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chances of arriving at the same [Heinrich sitting with a stack of books]

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conclusion, well, Verner is quite the optimist.

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Although he desperately wants to crank

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out the next great child prodigy, Heinrich

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has responded to this lesson by sucking

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on a big toe, making a few grunting [Heinrich sucking on his toe]

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noises and, you know, filling his diaper

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for dad, there. For his money, Verner would

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rather be inhaling Beryllium. [Verner holding his nose while taking out a diaper]

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