ShmoopTube

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Proctologist a la Shmoop, way back in medical school when

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you made the decision to become a proctologist you knew it was guaranteed [Student walking to med school]

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to happen and you were going to be the butt of many a joke. Well sure enough

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here you are Dr. Phil McCrackin, MD. Yeah the name doesn't help either, of

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course your friends both of whom operate on regions well north of your chosen

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area of expertise make sure to give you a hard time. "You enjoying your career" asks [Two other doctors making jokes]

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Sarah, "I'm sure it's a gas" Mike butts in with "don't be cheeky" hardy har har. Well

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it goes on for another 15 minutes while you start your enchiladas knowing better

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than any one of the table where they're gonna end up so when someone makes an

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appointment with you is that a booty call, how did you crack your way into

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this field. By the way sorry I didn't go into proctology with you I have an

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intolerance for dairy air. Oh how hilarious what a colossal joke your [Two other doctors laughing]

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career is right, but hold on. Your assistant comes rushing into your office

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and you immediately drop your fork full of refried beans it's Mr. Hines she says

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he just came in and he's in severe pain I think you'd better have a look right

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away, both lunches definitely over. Well you get Mr. Hines up on your table

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pants around his ankles and you take a look, it's a complete rectal prolapse. [Patient with his trousers down]

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As in his rectum was basically fallen to the point that it's clearly

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visible externally in, layman's terms his pooper has collapsed. Well this isn't

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the kind of situation where Mr. Hines can just grin and bear and go back to

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work and see you again in a month. This thing needs to be operated on now. You're

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not sure what caused the prolapse and you sort of don't really want to know [Surgeon holding a scalpel]

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could have been excessive straining during constipation or complications

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from a previous operation or something oh so much worse, but the why doesn't

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really concern you at the moment in order to prevent further damage to Mr.

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Hines anal sphincters and not as funny as the words might have been 10 minutes

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ago are they, you've got to operate and quickly, he's suffering. Well looking over [Other two doctors looking worried]

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the situation you quickly decide that an incision in the abdomen isn't necessary

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this surgery can be performed via perineal approach where you cut into the

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area between the anus and the genitals and gain access to the

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pelvic cavity that way. Always nice to know a shortcut there. Well you have the

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anaesthesiologist put Mr. Hynes under of course he probably doesn't want to be

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awake for this business. And then you begin to operate once inside you remove

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a portion of the rectal wall and stitch the edge of the wall into the anal canal [Surgeon performing the procedure]

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so that the rectum is moved back into place and is unlikely to prolapse again.

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Feeling queasy yet? Well yeah it's all fun and games until it's your rectum

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that collapses and you need help. We're just going to put it out there.

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Butts are funny but and that's a big butt... Stuff that can happen to butts is

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dead serious people can come to you with pus filled abscesses or sores anal [Google search for 'stuff that can happen to butts']

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fistulas or cracks between the bowel and anus that can bleed profusely. Horribly

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painful cases of haemorrhoids, swollen veins near the anus there can be malignant tumors up

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there and yeah there's also colon cancer or rectal cancer i.e. Colo rectal cancer.

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You're dealing with matters of life and death here not just patching up a bunch

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of fun boo boos, well jeez who in the world would want this job the answer?

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Nobody. And for that reason a career in proctology is really attractive, wait why? [Long queue for a career in proctology]

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Our point is because no one in the right mind would want to spend all day hearing

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the words obstructed defecation i.e. a turd that's being a turd and then having

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to deal with what that term implies. A person who's actually willing to perform

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this job can make money hand over fist, among the top few moneymakers in the [Doctor sat with piles of money on his desk]

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medical field are orthopaedic surgeons, the ones who deal with all the skeletal

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and muscular things, cardiologists ie the heart doctors and proctologist /

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gastroenterologist the latter being the ones who generally diagnose and then

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send you over to the procto docto so yeah we're talking the same kind of

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money made by those who take care of the systems that hold your body upright and

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keep your blood flowing. Major stuff, major money. Being a proctologist is not

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pretty and when you're making 400 grand a year and that's just the average for a [File showing proctologist's average salary]

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procto, much more in major urban centers and a lot less in rural Iowa. It can make

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the day-to-day routine of staring into the wrong end of your patients pretty

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bearable, of course you'll still be paying through the nose or through

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elsewhere for all those student loans you've racked up to get through med

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school but once you're in the black you'll be in fine

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financial shape and of course it's not like you have to decide to be a

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proctologist when you're in diapers in fact a lot of med students don't know

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until late in the game that they actually do want to go the proctology

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route, which is normal and totally fine. Sometimes all you know is that you want [Medical student reading about about future careers]

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to be a doctor and then the decision to go into a particular field comes to you

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through the back door. Sorry... Is being a proctologist stressful? Sure, mainly

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because of all that life and death stuff we mentioned you'll eventually get over

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the fact that you're fiddling around in your patient's nether regions. It'll just

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feel like meet to ya, but the pressure that will be placed on you to remove

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cancerous tissues spot malignant tumors and not leave your scissors

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inside anyone's abdomen well that will keep you up at night. The good news is [X-ray showing scissors left inside the patient]

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people will always have butts we cannot lie. Or at least for the next several

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thousand years of human evolution until they become phased out in favor of

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smooth posterior protuberances like a Barbie doll, but until then people are

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going to have issues with their colons and they're going to have trouble going to

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the bathroom and they're going to get bored and start shoving stuff up there

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for no reason whatsoever. Well as long as human curiosity and gerbils continue to [Someone picks up a Gerbil]

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co-exist there will always be work for you, so is it time to move proctology up

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from the bottom of your list it may not be the wildest dream of every young boy

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and girl but you'll be helping people heal and feel better and you'll

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personally live a very comfortable life. Assuming you know you don't prolapse yourself. [Doctor in swimming pants jumps into pool]

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