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Source: Folger Shakespeare Library |
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Enter Feste, the Fool and Fabian. FABIAN Now, as thou lov’st me, let me see his letter. FOOL Good Master Fabian, grant me another request. FABIAN Anything. FOOL Do not desire to see this letter. FABIAN This is to give a dog and in recompense desire 5 my dog again. Enter Orsino, Viola, Curio, and Lords. ORSINO Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends? FOOL Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings. ORSINO I know thee well. How dost thou, my good fellow? FOOL Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse 10 for my friends. ORSINO Just the contrary: the better for thy friends. FOOL No, sir, the worse. ORSINO How can that be? FOOL Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me. 15 Now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass; so that by my foes, sir, I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am abused. So that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives, why then the worse for my friends and 20 the better for my foes. ORSINO Why, this is excellent. FOOL By my troth, sir, no—though it please you to be one of my friends. ORSINO, giving a coin Thou shalt not be the worse for me; there’s gold. 25 FOOL But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could make it another. ORSINO O, you give me ill counsel. FOOL Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it. 30 ORSINO Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer: there’s another. He gives a coin. FOOL Primo, secundo, tertio is a good play, and the old saying is, the third pays for all. The triplex, sir, is a good tripping measure, or the bells of Saint Bennet, 35 sir, may put you in mind—one, two, three. ORSINO You can fool no more money out of me at this throw. If you will let your lady know I am here to speak with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty further. 40 FOOL Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir, but I would not have you to think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness. But, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap. I will awake it anon. He exits. 45 | In front of Olivia's house, Fabian and Feste argue about a letter that Feste won't show Fabian. Duke Orsino, "Cesario," Curio, and some Lords show up looking for Olivia. Feste makes some clever comments and jokes and Orsino gives him some money for being so entertaining. Feste then convinces Orsino to give him some more gold. He tries for more money, saying that 1-2-3 is a good way to go, and it's time for a third coin, but Orsino says he'll only consider giving the Fool more money if he fetches Olivia. So...the Fool runs off to get her. |
Enter Antonio and Officers. VIOLA Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me. ORSINO That face of his I do remember well. Yet when I saw it last, it was besmeared As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war. A baubling vessel was he captain of, 50 For shallow draught and bulk unprizable, With which such scatheful grapple did he make With the most noble bottom of our fleet That very envy and the tongue of loss Cried fame and honor on him.—What’s the matter? 55 FIRST OFFICER Orsino, this is that Antonio That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy, And this is he that did the Tiger board When your young nephew Titus lost his leg. Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state, 60 In private brabble did we apprehend him. VIOLA He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side, But in conclusion put strange speech upon me. I know not what ’twas but distraction. ORSINO Notable pirate, thou saltwater thief, 65 What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear, Hast made thine enemies? | Just then, Antonio and the cops happen to walk by. "Cesario" says Antonio's the guy who stood up for "him" when Aguecheek and Toby tried to beat "him" up. Orsino recognizes Antonio as a sea captain that once caused him and his fleet of ships a lot of grief—and caused his uncle to lose a leg. He asks Antonio why on earth he would show his face in Illyria when he's a wanted man. |
ANTONIO Orsino, noble sir, Be pleased that I shake off these names you give 70 me. Antonio never yet was thief or pirate, Though, I confess, on base and ground enough, Orsino’s enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither. That most ingrateful boy there by your side 75 From the rude sea’s enraged and foamy mouth Did I redeem; a wrack past hope he was. His life I gave him and did thereto add My love, without retention or restraint, All his in dedication. For his sake 80 Did I expose myself, pure for his love, Into the danger of this adverse town; Drew to defend him when he was beset; Where, being apprehended, his false cunning (Not meaning to partake with me in danger) 85 Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance And grew a twenty years’ removèd thing While one would wink; denied me mine own purse, Which I had recommended to his use Not half an hour before. 90 VIOLA How can this be? ORSINO, to Antonio When came he to this town? ANTONIO Today, my lord; and for three months before, No int’rim, not a minute’s vacancy, Both day and night did we keep company. 95 | Antonio says he's not a pirate, even though he's Orsino's enemy. Then he points at "Cesario" (who he thinks is Sebastian) and whines about the way Sebastian treated him. Antonio says that even though he saved Sebastian's life, has been a loving and devoted companion, and has followed Sebastian to Illyria–where he saved his life again–Sebastian has betrayed him by pretending not to know him and by refusing to give him back the money he needs to buy his way out of jail. "Cesario" is dumbfounded. Orsino says Antonio's story isn't possible because "Cesario" has been in Illyria for three months, not one day, so Antonio must be lying. |
Enter Olivia and Attendants. ORSINO Here comes the Countess. Now heaven walks on Earth!— But for thee, fellow: fellow, thy words are madness. Three months this youth hath tended upon me— But more of that anon. To an Officer. Take him 100 aside. OLIVIA What would my lord, but that he may not have, Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?— Cesario, you do not keep promise with me. VIOLA Madam? 105 ORSINO Gracious Olivia— OLIVIA What do you say, Cesario?—Good my lord— VIOLA My lord would speak; my duty hushes me. OLIVIA If it be aught to the old tune, my lord, It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear 110 As howling after music. ORSINO Still so cruel? OLIVIA Still so constant, lord. ORSINO What, to perverseness? You, uncivil lady, To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars 115 My soul the faithful’st off’rings have breathed out That e’er devotion tendered—what shall I do? OLIVIA Even what it please my lord that shall become him. ORSINO Why should I not, had I the heart to do it, Like to th’ Egyptian thief at point of death, 120 Kill what I love?—a savage jealousy That sometime savors nobly. But hear me this: Since you to nonregardance cast my faith, And that I partly know the instrument That screws me from my true place in your favor, 125 Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still. But this your minion, whom I know you love, And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly, Him will I tear out of that cruel eye Where he sits crownèd in his master’s spite.— 130 Come, boy, with me. My thoughts are ripe in mischief. I’ll sacrifice the lamb that I do love To spite a raven’s heart within a dove. VIOLA And I, most jocund, apt, and willingly, 135 To do you rest a thousand deaths would die. OLIVIA Where goes Cesario? VIOLA After him I love More than I love these eyes, more than my life, More by all mores than e’er I shall love wife. 140 If I do feign, you witnesses above, Punish my life for tainting of my love. OLIVIA Ay me, detested! How am I beguiled! VIOLA Who does beguile you? Who does do you wrong? OLIVIA Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?— 145 Call forth the holy father. An Attendant exits. | Olivia and her attendants come outside and Olivia yells at "Cesario" for neglecting her so soon after their marriage. (Olivia has married Sebastian off-stage but she thinks she married "Cesario.") Duke Orsino tries to lay some smooth moves on her, but Olivia's not having any of it. She wants to know what "Cesario" has to say. "Cesario" says that his master wants to speak, which means "he" needs to be quiet. Olivia says she doesn't want to hear anything from the Duke. His voice is like coyotes howling at the moon in comparison to the soft music of "Cesario's" voice. Orsino is upset that Olivia is still so cruel to him, but she says, "Sheesh. I've been telling you for months that I'm not interested. Get over it already." Upset, Orsino gets ready to leave and "Cesario" moves to follow him. Olivia asks "Cesario" where "he" thinks "he's" going, and "he" says "after the one I love." Ouch. Olivia tells one of her attendants to go get the priest. |
ORSINO, to Viola Come, away! OLIVIA Whither, my lord?—Cesario, husband, stay. ORSINO Husband? OLIVIA Ay, husband. Can he that deny? 150 ORSINO Her husband, sirrah? VIOLA No, my lord, not I. OLIVIA Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear That makes thee strangle thy propriety. Fear not, Cesario. Take thy fortunes up. 155 Be that thou know’st thou art, and then thou art As great as that thou fear’st. Enter Priest. O, welcome, father. Father, I charge thee by thy reverence Here to unfold (though lately we intended 160 To keep in darkness what occasion now Reveals before ’tis ripe) what thou dost know Hath newly passed between this youth and me. PRIEST A contract of eternal bond of love, Confirmed by mutual joinder of your hands, 165 Attested by the holy close of lips, Strengthened by interchangement of your rings, And all the ceremony of this compact Sealed in my function, by my testimony; Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my 170 grave I have traveled but two hours. ORSINO, to Viola O thou dissembling cub! What wilt thou be When time hath sowed a grizzle on thy case? Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow 175 That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow? Farewell, and take her, but direct thy feet Where thou and I henceforth may never meet. VIOLA My lord, I do protest— OLIVIA O, do not swear. 180 Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear. | Orsino tells "Cesario" to come with him, but Olivia says, "Husband, stay." Husband? That gets everyone's attention. When Orsino hears that his trusty page "Cesario" married the woman of his dreams, he's furious. "Cesario" tries to protest, which angers Olivia. Then the priest enters and says that yep, he just married Olivia to "Cesario." (The priest thinks "Cesario" is Sebastian, too.) Orsino calls "Cesario" a conniving little liar and says he never wants to see "him" again. "Cesario" tries to protest again, but it's tough to get anyone to believe you when it's your word against a priest's. |
Enter Sir Andrew. ANDREW For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently to Sir Toby. OLIVIA What’s the matter? ANDREW Has broke my head across, and has given Sir 185 Toby a bloody coxcomb too. For the love of God, your help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home. OLIVIA Who has done this, Sir Andrew? ANDREW The Count’s gentleman, one Cesario. We took 190 him for a coward, but he’s the very devil incardinate. ORSINO My gentleman Cesario? ANDREW ’Od’s lifelings, here he is!—You broke my head for nothing, and that that I did, I was set on to 195 do ’t by Sir Toby. VIOLA Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you. You drew your sword upon me without cause, But I bespake you fair and hurt you not. ANDREW If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt 200 me. I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb. Enter Toby and Feste, the Fool. Here comes Sir Toby halting. You shall hear more. But if he had not been in drink, he would have tickled you othergates than he did. ORSINO How now, gentleman? How is ’t with you? 205 TOBY That’s all one. Has hurt me, and there’s th’ end on ’t. To Fool. Sot, didst see Dick Surgeon, sot? FOOL O, he’s drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes were set at eight i’ th’ morning. TOBY Then he’s a rogue and a passy-measures pavin. I 210 hate a drunken rogue. OLIVIA Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them? ANDREW I’ll help you, Sir Toby, because we’ll be dressed together. 215 TOBY Will you help?—an ass-head, and a coxcomb, and a knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull? OLIVIA Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked to. Toby, Andrew, Fool, and Fabian exit. | To make matters worse, Sir Andrew runs out and says that "Cesario" just beat him up. He beat up Toby, too. (The audience knows that it was Sebastian, not "Cesario.") "Cesario" denies everything, but Toby runs out and corroborates Andrew's story. Both men are bleeding and, when Toby asks if anyone has seen the local doctor, Feste informs him that the doctor has been drunk since eight o'clock in the morning—he's not going to come. This infuriates Toby, who announces that he hates no-good drunks like the doctor. Olivia tells Toby get out and says that Sir Andrew needs to get to bed and be looked after. |
Enter Sebastian. SEBASTIAN I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman, But, had it been the brother of my blood, 220 I must have done no less with wit and safety. You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that I do perceive it hath offended you. Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows We made each other but so late ago. 225 ORSINO One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons! A natural perspective, that is and is not! SEBASTIAN Antonio, O, my dear Antonio! How have the hours racked and tortured me Since I have lost thee! 230 ANTONIO Sebastian are you? SEBASTIAN Fear’st thou that, Antonio? ANTONIO How have you made division of yourself? An apple cleft in two is not more twin Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian? 235 OLIVIA Most wonderful! SEBASTIAN, looking at Viola Do I stand there? I never had a brother, Nor can there be that deity in my nature Of here and everywhere. I had a sister Whom the blind waves and surges have devoured. 240 Of charity, what kin are you to me? What countryman? What name? What parentage? | Finally, Sebastian saunters in and says he's sorry to Olivia for beating up her uncle Toby. Everyone is shocked and amazed that there seems to be two "Cesario's" standing on stage. Sebastian recognizes Antonio (who is still in handcuffs) and is overjoyed to see his bosom friend. Antonio is amazed. He asks Sebastian if he's split himself in two. Sebastian notices "Cesario" standing nearby and says he can't believe there's a guy out there who looks just like him. He wants to know who "Cesario's" parents are and where "Cesario" comes from. |
VIOLA Of Messaline. Sebastian was my father. Such a Sebastian was my brother too. So went he suited to his watery tomb. 245 If spirits can assume both form and suit, You come to fright us. SEBASTIAN A spirit I am indeed, But am in that dimension grossly clad Which from the womb I did participate. 250 Were you a woman, as the rest goes even, I should my tears let fall upon your cheek And say “Thrice welcome, drownèd Viola.” VIOLA My father had a mole upon his brow. SEBASTIAN And so had mine. 255 VIOLA And died that day when Viola from her birth Had numbered thirteen years. SEBASTIAN O, that record is lively in my soul! He finishèd indeed his mortal act That day that made my sister thirteen years. 260 | Instead of coming out and saying, "Hey, I'm Viola, your sister," Viola is cryptic and says her father's name is Sebastian. That's her brother's name too, but he's drowned and dead. Sebastian still hasn't figured it out. He says that if "Cesario" were a woman, he would look just like his long lost sister Viola, who is dead. Viola then says her father had a mole on his face and Sebastian says gee, my dad had a mole on his face, too. When Viola announces that her dad died on her thirteenth birthday, Sebastian finally understands that "Cesario" is in fact his sister, Viola. |
VIOLA If nothing lets to make us happy both But this my masculine usurped attire, Do not embrace me till each circumstance Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump That I am Viola; which to confirm, 265 I’ll bring you to a captain in this town, Where lie my maiden weeds; by whose gentle help I was preserved to serve this noble count. All the occurrence of my fortune since Hath been between this lady and this lord. 270 SEBASTIAN, to Olivia So comes it, lady, you have been mistook. But nature to her bias drew in that. You would have been contracted to a maid. Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived: You are betrothed both to a maid and man. 275 | Finally, Viola says what she should have said long before—"I'm Viola dressed as a boy. I'd put my girl clothes back on now but I left them with the sea captain who fished me out of the ocean so I'll have to stay in these clothes." Sebastian looks at Olivia and says it's lucky for her that she married him instead of "Cesario." Otherwise, she would have mistakenly married a woman when she thought she was marrying a man. As it is, she's now married to both a man (Sebastian) and a woman (her new sister-in-law, Viola). |
ORSINO, to Olivia Be not amazed; right noble is his blood. If this be so, as yet the glass seems true, I shall have share in this most happy wrack.— Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times Thou never shouldst love woman like to me. 280 VIOLA And all those sayings will I overswear, And all those swearings keep as true in soul As doth that orbèd continent the fire That severs day from night. ORSINO Give me thy hand, 285 And let me see thee in thy woman’s weeds. VIOLA The Captain that did bring me first on shore Hath my maid’s garments. He, upon some action, Is now in durance at Malvolio’s suit, A gentleman and follower of my lady’s. 290 | Orsino tells Olivia not to worry about this turn of events, because Sebastian comes from noble blood, which means Olivia hasn't just married a servant boy ("Cesario") after all. And, Orsino says, he stands to gain here, too. Orsino turns to Viola, and calls her "boy" (even though he knows she's a girl) and reminds Viola of all the times "Cesario" told him "he" loved him. Viola confirms that yes, she is totally in love with Orsino. Orsino grabs her hand and says he wants to see her in her "woman's weeds" (her dress). Viola says she can't change because the sea captain's got her clothes and Malvolio is holding the sea captain prisoner. |
OLIVIA He shall enlarge him. Enter Feste, the Fool with a letter, and Fabian. Fetch Malvolio hither. And yet, alas, now I remember me, They say, poor gentleman, he’s much distract. A most extracting frenzy of mine own 295 From my remembrance clearly banished his. To the Fool. How does he, sirrah? FOOL Truly, madam, he holds Beelzebub at the stave’s end as well as a man in his case may do. Has here writ a letter to you. I should have given ’t you today 300 morning. But as a madman’s epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are delivered. OLIVIA Open ’t and read it. FOOL Look then to be well edified, when the Fool delivers the madman. He reads. By the Lord, 305 madam— OLIVIA How now, art thou mad? FOOL No, madam, I do but read madness. An your Ladyship will have it as it ought to be, you must allow vox. 310 OLIVIA Prithee, read i’ thy right wits. FOOL So I do, madonna. But to read his right wits is to read thus. Therefore, perpend, my princess, and give ear. OLIVIA, giving letter to Fabian Read it you, sirrah. 315 FABIAN (reads) "By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world shall know it. Though you have put me into darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as your Ladyship. I have your own letter that induced me to 320 the semblance I put on, with the which I doubt not but to do myself much right or you much shame. Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little unthought of and speak out of my injury. The madly used Malvolio." 325 OLIVIA Did he write this? FOOL Ay, madam. ORSINO This savors not much of distraction. | Olivia says she'll take care of Malvolio. She calls for him and then remembers that he wasn't well the last time she saw him. She ask Feste how he is and the Fool says that Malvolio's possessed by the devil and straight up crazy, but he did write Olivia a letter. Olivia tells him to read it, but the Fool starts reading it in a crazy voice, so she gives it to Fabian to read instead. After hearing the letter, Orsino says that it doesn't sound like the rantings of a madman. |
OLIVIA See him delivered, Fabian. Bring him hither. Fabian exits. To Orsino. My lord, so please you, these things 330 further thought on, To think me as well a sister as a wife, One day shall crown th’ alliance on ’t, so please you, Here at my house, and at my proper cost. 335 ORSINO Madam, I am most apt t’ embrace your offer. To Viola. Your master quits you; and for your service done him, So much against the mettle of your sex, So far beneath your soft and tender breeding, 340 And since you called me “master” for so long, Here is my hand. You shall from this time be Your master’s mistress. OLIVIA, to Viola A sister! You are she. | Olivia agrees that Malvolio seems sane and tells Fabian to go get him. Then she tells Orsino she hopes he can be happy with her as a sister-in-law instead of a wife. If he's game, they can have a double wedding tomorrow, at Olivia's place, and she'll pay for the whole shindig. Orsino is in. He turns to Viola and says she doesn't have to be his servant anymore. (Interesting way to propose.) Olivia is excited that the woman she thought was a man and was trying to sleep with for most of the play will now be her sister. |
Enter Malvolio and Fabian. ORSINO Is this the madman? 345 OLIVIA Ay, my lord, this same.— How now, Malvolio? MALVOLIO Madam, you have done me wrong, Notorious wrong. 350 OLIVIA Have I, Malvolio? No. MALVOLIO, handing her a paper Lady, you have. Pray you peruse that letter. You must not now deny it is your hand. Write from it if you can, in hand or phrase, Or say ’tis not your seal, not your invention. 355 You can say none of this. Well, grant it then, And tell me, in the modesty of honor, Why you have given me such clear lights of favor? Bade me come smiling and cross-gartered to you, To put on yellow stockings, and to frown 360 Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people? And, acting this in an obedient hope, Why have you suffered me to be imprisoned, Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest, And made the most notorious geck and gull 365 That e’er invention played on? Tell me why. OLIVIA Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing, Though I confess much like the character. But out of question, ’tis Maria’s hand. And now I do bethink me, it was she 370 First told me thou wast mad; then cam’st in smiling, And in such forms which here were presupposed Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content. This practice hath most shrewdly passed upon thee. But when we know the grounds and authors of it, 375 Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge Of thine own cause. | Fabian trots out Malvolio, who says that he did everything in Olivia's letter (smiling, wearing wacky clothes, arguing with everyone) so she shouldn't have locked him in prison for doing what she asked. Olivia tells Malvolio that she didn't write the letter he's just shown her. That's Maria's handwriting. She tells Malvolio that when they figure out who's been pranking him, he can dole out the justice to make things right. |
FABIAN Good madam, hear me speak, And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come Taint the condition of this present hour, 380 Which I have wondered at. In hope it shall not, Most freely I confess, myself and Toby Set this device against Malvolio here, Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts We had conceived against him. Maria writ 385 The letter at Sir Toby’s great importance, In recompense whereof he hath married her. How with a sportful malice it was followed May rather pluck on laughter than revenge, If that the injuries be justly weighed 390 That have on both sides passed. OLIVIA, to Malvolio Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee! FOOL Why, “some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrown upon them.” I was one, sir, in this interlude, one Sir Topas, sir, 395 but that’s all one. “By the Lord, Fool, I am not mad”—but, do you remember “Madam, why laugh you at such a barren rascal; an you smile not, he’s gagged”? And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges. 400 MALVOLIO I’ll be revenged on the whole pack of you! He exits. | Fabian jumps in and explains that he and Toby were just having a laugh. Toby convinced Maria to write the letter and married her as a reward for a job well done. Now, they should all just laugh at the outcome since Malvolio and the others all insulted each other equally. Malvolio doesn't see the humor in the situation. He runs off and swears he'll get revenge. |
OLIVIA He hath been most notoriously abused. ORSINO Pursue him and entreat him to a peace. Some exit. He hath not told us of the Captain yet. When that is known, and golden time convents, 405 A solemn combination shall be made Of our dear souls.—Meantime, sweet sister, We will not part from hence.—Cesario, come, For so you shall be while you are a man. But when in other habits you are seen, 410 Orsino’s mistress, and his fancy’s queen. | Olivia says that poor Malvolio really got the raw end of the deal, but nobody really seems to care about Malvolio's feelings. Except that they need him to tell them where the Captain is so they can get Viola's clothes. Duke Orsino says that Viola will "be" Cesario until she changes out of her boy's clothes. But, when she puts her dress back on, she'll be his woman and they'll have the weddings. |
All but the Fool exit. FOOL sings "When that I was and a little tiny boy, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, A foolish thing was but a toy, For the rain it raineth every day. 415 "But when I came to man’s estate, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, ’Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate, For the rain it raineth every day. "But when I came, alas, to wive, 420 With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, By swaggering could I never thrive, For the rain it raineth every day. "But when I came unto my beds, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, 425 With tosspots still had drunken heads, For the rain it raineth every day. "A great while ago the world begun, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, But that’s all one, our play is done, 430 And we’ll strive to please you every day." He exits. | Everyone exits except the fool, who sings a silly—but kind of sad—song about growing up. It's about how things change as you get older and yet, life just keeps rolling on, with the rain coming every day. The last lines are happy though, as he says that the play is done and that the players will always strive to make their audience happy. |