Oh You Wanted to Listen to a Nice Short Speech on the Democratic Party? Not in My House…
- William Jennings Bryan walks up to the podium and starts owning the place.
- "You wanted to hear about the Democratic Party's platform?" he says (approximately). "Too bad. I know this is the Democratic Convention and all, but you asked me to give a speech. So, I'm going to give a speech on whatever I want. So, sit back and relax, because I've got some things to get off my chest and this is gonna take a while."
- The topic: imperialism.
- But first, Bryan wanted to update those who were snoozing during the last several weeks of election speeches, campaign ads, and news-capades.
- Here's his update:
- Republicans are still lame.
- Democrats are still rocking it.
- He ran for president last time and lost. America has been a total shipwreck for four years. That's what America gets for not electing him.
- He gave a speech four years ago called the "Cross of Gold." How come nobody cares about that anymore? Bryan still cares…
- And Republicans are still lame.
- But Bryan wants everyone to know the worst thing about Republicans: they want to get all empire-build-y in the Philippines.