Enter Bertram and the maid called Diana. BERTRAM
They told me that your name was Fontibell. DIANA
No, my good lord, Diana. BERTRAM Titled goddess,
And worth it, with addition. But, fair soul,
In your fine frame hath love no quality? 5
If the quick fire of youth light not your mind,
You are no maiden but a monument.
When you are dead, you should be such a one
As you are now, for you are cold and stern,
And now you should be as your mother was 10
When your sweet self was got. DIANA
She then was honest. BERTRAM So should you be. DIANA No.
My mother did but duty—such, my lord, 15
As you owe to your wife. BERTRAM No more o’ that.
I prithee do not strive against my vows.
I was compelled to her, but I love thee
By love’s own sweet constraint, and will forever 20
Do thee all rights of service. DIANA Ay, so you serve us
Till we serve you. But when you have our roses,
You barely leave our thorns to prick ourselves
And mock us with our bareness. 25 BERTRAM How have I sworn! DIANA
’Tis not the many oaths that makes the truth,
But the plain single vow that is vowed true.
What is not holy, that we swear not by,
But take the high’st to witness. Then pray you, tell 30
me,
If I should swear by Jove’s great attributes
I loved you dearly, would you believe my oaths
When I did love you ill? This has no holding
To swear by him whom I protest to love 35
That I will work against him. Therefore your oaths
Are words, and poor conditions but unsealed,
At least in my opinion. BERTRAM Change it, change it.
Be not so holy-cruel. Love is holy, 40
And my integrity ne’er knew the crafts
That you do charge men with. Stand no more off,
But give thyself unto my sick desires,
Who then recovers. Say thou art mine, and ever
My love as it begins shall so persever. 45 | Bertram is at Diana's window and is trying to get all Romeo and Juliet on us. He compares Diana to her to her namesake, the goddess of chastity, and insists she is way too hot to remain a virgin. He adds that she better watch out or she'll turn into a statue and basically calls her an ice-princess because she won't give it up to him. To top it off, Bertram says that Diana should do the thing that her mom was doing at the exact moment Diana was conceived. Hint, hint. Diana points out that, hello, her mom was married when she had sex and made babies with her dad. Speaking of which, she says, where's your wife? Bertram doesn't want to talk about it. He begins to sulk, and swears he only got married because he was forced to do so. Diana points out that guys like Bertram will say just about anything to get a girl into bed but after they get what they want, they change their tune. Bertram says no way. He'll love Diana forever. |
DIANA
I see that men may rope ’s in such a snare
That we’ll forsake ourselves. Give me that ring. BERTRAM
I’ll lend it thee, my dear, but have no power
To give it from me. DIANA Will you not, my lord? 50 BERTRAM
It is an honor ’longing to our house,
Bequeathèd down from many ancestors,
Which were the greatest obloquy i’ th’ world
In me to lose. DIANA Mine honor’s such a ring. 55
My chastity’s the jewel of our house,
Bequeathèd down from many ancestors,
Which were the greatest obloquy i’ th’ world
In me to lose. Thus your own proper wisdom
Brings in the champion Honor on my part 60
Against your vain assault. BERTRAM Here, take my ring.
My house, mine honor, yea, my life be thine,
And I’ll be bid by thee. DIANA
When midnight comes, knock at my chamber 65
window.
I’ll order take my mother shall not hear.
Now will I charge you in the band of truth,
When you have conquered my yet maiden bed,
Remain there but an hour, nor speak to me. 70
My reasons are most strong, and you shall know them
When back again this ring shall be delivered.
And on your finger in the night I’ll put
Another ring, that what in time proceeds
May token to the future our past deeds. 75
Adieu till then; then, fail not. You have won
A wife of me, though there my hope be done. BERTRAM
A heaven on Earth I have won by wooing thee. DIANA
For which live long to thank both heaven and me!
You may so in the end. 80 He exits. My mother told me just how he would woo
As if she sat in ’s heart. She says all men
Have the like oaths. He had sworn to marry me
When his wife’s dead. Therefore I’ll lie with him
When I am buried. Since Frenchmen are so braid, 85
Marry that will, I live and die a maid.
Only, in this disguise I think ’t no sin
To cozen him that would unjustly win. She exits. | Diana says she wants Bertram to prove his love...by giving her his ring. Bertram says the ring is a family heirloom; it would be disgraceful for him to lose it. Diana says, yeah. I feel the same way about my virginity...so he gives her the ring. Diana tells him to knock on her bedroom window at midnight. She'll sleep with him, but there's to be no talking. Oh. And when they're done, she's going to put another ring on his finger. None of this weirdness seems to register with Bertram—he's too excited for his conquest. Diana reminds Bertram that this will destroy her chances of getting married since nobody will want her when she's no longer a virgin. Bertram says "Whatever," and leaves. Alone on stage, Diana says her mom was right. She knew exactly what kinds of promises Bertram would make if Diana agreed to hook up with him: eternal love, marriage, wealth. This guy deserves the comeuppance he's about to get. |